


Frozen

by Junker



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-17
Updated: 2017-11-17
Packaged: 2019-02-03 10:45:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12746766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Junker/pseuds/Junker
Summary: When Kaidan is frozen on Horizon, he finds himself thinking about her and letting his memories of her overwhelm him.





	Frozen

**Author's Note:**

> Haven't written about my Femshep in a while so here we go! For the Memories prompt of [Kaidan Appreciation Week](https://spectrekaidanalenko.tumblr.com/).

Kaidan couldn’t be sure the last time he thought of her. It used to be he thought of her every morning, the memories weighing him down every morning as he tried to crawl his way out of bed. It took a while to tuck her away. He didn’t believe people when they said it would get easier, but it did.

Now he was frozen on Horizon with the Collectors snatching up the people he was supposed to protect. And he thought of her. 

He thought of the way the corner of her lip raised before she fully committed to smiling at him. He thought of the way she’d glance at him even though someone else was talking - the little way he always felt important and included even though his feelings shouldn’t have been a priority for her.

He thought of the way she looked in the cabin, with a light on the nightstand illuminating her sharp features. She’d straddle his hips and just watch him while her fingers traced from his cheekbones to his jaw. Her fingers were calloused, but his permanent stubble made his cheeks rough anyway. She’d eventually touch his chin before leaning down to kiss him.

He remembered the way she laughed. Sometimes she’d just smirk, sometimes she’d just chuckle, but sometimes - those really good times - she’d throw back her head and show a row of teeth as she let out her laugh.

He couldn’t remember what her laugh sounded like anymore. He wasn’t even sure he could remember the way her voice sounded when she said his name.

He thought about all the people he was letting down by failing here. Could he defend them once they were taken away? Did he have any hope when they already took him down with so much ease? And if she had been here - if she had just been here - would he still be frozen?

Kaidan listened to his breaths. It reminded him of his last moments with her. It was strange for this uneasy stillness to remind him of such chaos. Parting ways with her in the flames hadn’t been hard. He had to protect the crew. That was his job. And she could handle herself just fine. Maybe if he had known what would happen, the decision would have been harder, but it wasn’t in the moment - it was instinct to protect the others.

And they all heard her breaths through intercom as she floated in space. It crackled up as the ship broke apart. The audio breaking as he slowly lost her. In the moment he could have sworn he heard her say, “It’s going to be okay,” over and over, but now he wasn’t sure. If anyone else heard it, they hadn’t talked about it.

If she had said it, it was a lie anyway. She died. Part of him did too. And when he managed to bring himself back from the brink, this happened. He didn’t realize consider himself a defeatist, but in that moment it did feel hopeless. He desperately hoped and internally begged for the opportunity to keep fighting. He didn’t want this to be the end, to be snuffed out so effortlessly.

He thought of her floating in space with only the sounds of her breath at the end. Had she been at peace? Was she as angry as he was now? Or were the final words he heard true? Did she think it was fine, to die like that?

Maybe it was being frozen and helpless, but anger built inside of him. Fuck her to think everything was fine. Fuck her to leave him like this. Fuck her to make him live in two years of misery only to maybe die like this.

He tried to fight against the freezing as if he hadn’t been this entire time. He tried screaming and thrashing, he tried clawing himself out of it, but he didn’t move, trapped inside himself with only his memories and thoughts. He just wanted to keep fighting. It couldn’t end like this.

Kaidan thought of the way it felt when she wrapped her arms around him. He remembered feeling the scars on her stomach and arms. He remembered her muscular legs against his own. The way she kissed him and flicked her tongue against his to ease it out. The way the skin between her breasts tasted when he kissed it. What it was like to sleep with his head tucked underneath hers.

He thought of all the people she let down by dying. The cracks that formed in the squad and crew when she left, how they shattered apart, and how none of them fought to keep them together. He thought of all the people he’d let down if this really was the end. He was mad at himself for still being angry and sad and just - everything. Part of him wished his thoughts had been frozen as well and maybe the memories would just fade with every second he spent not thinking about them.

And part of him wanted to survive if only to keep those small fragments of her alive with him.

He fought against the freezing as he heard gunfire - it was too close. Maybe it had been growing closer for a while and he was too caught up in his own head to hear it before. Now he couldn’t ignore it. Collectors started to come to his area, packing people away as the sounds grew louder. He tried to remember the faces and names of the people being dragged away from him. He needed to remember in case they didn’t take him as well. Two grabbed him and started to carry him off, but they dropped him abruptly and fled.

He only saw the sky now. He heard the ship engines build and listened to the shouts and gunfire. He thought of her. He thought that she’d never give up. He fought against the freezing again, desperately hoping to get a shot out before the Collectors completely escaped. But the gunfire had stopped by the time the freezing left, and he laid in the grass for a single second and really took in the sky. Somehow he hated that it had happened on such a beautiful day. He didn’t know why he thought that as he pulled himself off the ground.

He helped a few others up and checked on them. He headed towards where he last heard the gunfire while helping up colonists and gleaning information from them. Some were gone. That weighed down on him. His failure to keep these people safe. Somehow it felt like the freezing was his fault, that he was somehow unprepared and it was all his fault. He wondered how she’d handle this failure and wondered how long it would take to have her memories fade back into him. He wondered how many mornings would be hard to get up because he’d be lost in thoughts of her.

He walked up the hill as her memories swirled around him.

And then Kaidan saw her.

**Author's Note:**

> • [Twitter](https://twitter.com/JunkerFics) • [Tumblr](https://junkerfics.tumblr.com/) • [Pillowfort](https://www.pillowfort.io/community/Not%20a%20Main%20Character) • 


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